


You Cannot Be Serious

by TheKidsAreNotAlright



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair, Byakuya lives with Kyoko and Hagakure, Cospiration Theorist!Kyoko, Gen, Humor, Other than that normal, slightly crackish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 01:51:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10583931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKidsAreNotAlright/pseuds/TheKidsAreNotAlright
Summary: Hagakure really should have kicked Byakuya out when he could. Actually he shouldn't even let that crazy amnesiac chick in to start with it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry.

“You cannot be serious.” said Hagakure giving a flat stare towards the heir of the Togami clan that had come to his apartment.  
With a big bag in a stick hefted over his shoulder.

“I’m afraid I am, lowly peasant. Feel honored that I, the great Byakuya Togami, have decided to bestow upon you the privilege of be my host, even if you only dispose of this… not very spacious residence. You may bow in understanding of what I said if you want.” graciously explained Byakuya Togami like he wasn’t trying to force Hagakure to take him into his house.

“Yeah… I don’t know how to say this, so I would let my actions speak for me.” Were the words that Hagakure said before taking a step back and slamming the door on Byakuya’s face.

“Hagakure, you fool! Let me in!”

“No!”

“Hagakure! open the stupid door!”

“I don’t want to! You are a total jerk!”

“Hagakure this isn’t about wants! It’s about needs!”

“Well, then I need my peace and tranquility!”

“And I need a place where to sleep!”

“Then go home!”

“You stupid, brain-dead, idiot! Don’t you think I would have already done it if I could?!”

“Oh yeah what a big problem, the great Byakuya Togami got stuck outside. What you are fumigating in case of some strange disease got to the country? Or your door-opener got lost inside the house?”

“No you fu…-! Effing moron! I was disowned!” screamed Byakuya at the top of his lungs before falling to the ground and taking a sitting position while Hagakure unlocked the door and looked the state in that he was. His suit usually perfectly ironed looked dirty everywhere, his shirt while white didn’t have that appearance of just bought that it had every day, and his hair was a little disheveled.

“You were disowned?” 

“Yes disowned! Like in ‘Kicked out from home and the family and privileges over the money of the family revoked!’”

“That sounds rough, I wouldn’t know what to do if my mom said she didn’t want me anymore.” said Hagakure while giving him pitiful stare.

“Spare me the pity.”

“Ok.”

And Hagakure closed the door again.

“WAIT!”

And Hagakure opened the door again at the enraged Byakuya Togami in front of him.

“Let me in you fool!”

“I don’t want to! I’m sorry for you man but I’m already housing someone. Why don’t you ask to one of your rich friends?”

“I can’t!”

“Why?”

“All of them are jerks.”

“Why you didn’t ask then to someone else from the class?”

“Actually… I already did.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe you. Did you try Naegicchi?”

“Yes I did!”

“And he told you no?” said with disbelieving stare the fortune-teller.

“In Naegi’s defense he is trying to divorce himself from eight people.”

“Eight? I knew Naegicchi was a player! My predictions are never wrong and now Leon owes me 10000 yens!” said Hagakure while chanting victory to the heavens something that sounded like ‘30% baby! That is all it’s needed!’

“…Yes he is. Now let me in.”

“Nope! You told me why Naegicchi you didn’t told me anyone else so you can go and ask them! Have a nice day Togamicchi! Come back when you want a prediction!”  
Before he could slam the door shut again Byakuya Togami decided to wise up and with all the strength of tired businessman that hadn’t lifted a finger in all his life threw himself in, barely stopping him halfway.

“Togamicchi this is breaking in! Is Illegal!” growled Hagakure trying to push him out to close the door.

“I did ask everyone else Hagakure. You are my last hope!” said Byakuya summoning all his willpower to keep himself in against the wishes of Hagakure to kick him out.

“Leon!”

“His house smells!”

“So does mine!”

“And he doesn’t stop talking about Maizono!”

“Ok, then Maizono!”

“Talks about her Idol friends and rivals all the time”

“Oowada!”

“Booted me out! Literally! He kicked me and then threw me a boot on fire!”

“Oogami!”

“Insisted in that I helped with cleaning the dojo!”

“Ishimaru!”

“Too many rules! Even for me!”

“Asahina.”

“I ate her donuts.” Relented Byakuya while remembering how he barely scaped with his life and Hagakure winced imagining what could that be like.  
Before going back to the whole pushing routine.

“Hifumi!”

“Insists in that I don’t touch his drawings but he has them scattered all over the house!”

“Celes!”

“I refuse to become her butler for a place to sleep! No money and no connections doesn’t mean no dignity!”

“Junko and Mukuro!”

“Mukuro and Junko live with Naegi now!”

“What about Toko?!”

“No.”

“No?”

“NO.”

“No. Okay then… Chihiro! There is no way Chihiro would turn you down!”

“I accidently touched Chihiro in the crotch. It got awkward.” said Byakuya with a blank stare.

“Awkward how?” asked Hagakure waggling his eyebrows suggestively, letting his desire to make a dirty joke take the best of him… long enough for Byakuya to push him aside and getting in.

“Took you long enough Hagakure. Thanks for seeing the light.” said Byakuya while dusting off his clothes before helping Hagakure to stand after sending him tumbling to the ground and acting like if this arrangement wasn’t been done against his will.

“I give up.” sighed Hagakure before guiding him to the living room where a girl with purple hair, dressed in a white blouse and a black skirt looked over some folders that were over the table. When she noticed them she nodded in acknowledgement before going back to her folders.

“This is my roommate, Togamicchi.” said Hagakure while pointing at the girl, prompting Togami to give her a cursory glance.

“You are using protection right? I don’t think the country is ready to support anything you could breed.” drily noted Byakuya.

“If you mean if he has condoms then yes. He has a whole box of those that you find on a hospital, so how actually protected he is, is debatable. But don’t worry Togami Byakuya, we use the best contraceptive, also known as not sleeping together.” calmly said the girl before rising from her seat and going to face him, causing him to use his patented Togami Frown number 3.

“And with who I have the pleasure to talk?” said Byakuya, every word dripping with disinterest. The girl nonetheless nodded and with that calm and collected tone of hers spoke.

“Kyoko Kirigiri, detective extraordinaire… and amnesiac.” added Kyoko tacking the last part as an afterthought.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry now.


End file.
